I Hate You, Claudio Fragasso

Claudio Fragasso

For those of you who have no idea who he is, you are truly blessed. I had the misfortune of stumbling upon Claudio’s cinematic masterpiece: Troll 2. It was playing on one of the movie channels I get through satellite. The title interested me, as I sometimes like to watch shit-tastic horror flicks for a laugh. As I selected the channel, I saw the main character of our story, Joshua, staring directly at the camera with his nostrils flaring. He was mumbling something about goblins and his grandpa. I really couldn’t pay attention to his words because the little bastard seemed to be staring right into my soul. I put the remote down and was sucked into the town of Nilbog and it’s crazy inhabitants.

Let me introduce the plot for this flick. A family of four decides they want to take a trip to the town of Nilbog and swap homes for a week with a local country family there. First of all, the sentence I just wrote has a couple things wrong with it. The town, Nilbog, is goblin spelled backwards. …. I don’t know what else to say. I think a line from the movie says it best. “Nilbog! It’s goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!” This line is spoken by Joshua, our young “hero” as it would be. Who the hell switches homes with someone they’ve never met!? I mean, a time share is one thing, but giving someone you don’t know the keys to your house, and saying, “Have a good time in our city. Our house has all the modern conveniences,” is just lunacy. Anyway, after you get past the ridiculous plot, more absurdity ensues. It’d be much easier to give you a list of the shenanigans that go on.

1. Joshua urinates on the food in the house to stop his family from eating.
2. A young man is turned into a plant to be eaten. At least I think that’s why.
3. An old man, Grandpa Seth, continuously shows up in windows and mirrors to tell Joshua how to help his family. Only he never says how, just that he has to do it.
4. The sister does a dance that looks like she is taking an epileptic seizure while trying to swat at flies. Oh, and one of the signature moves involves making a mask with her fingers. You know, where you flip your hands upside down and on your face to mimic goggles? Yes, that’s how she dances….
5. The people of the town are all goblins. NOT Trolls as the title would suggest. In fact, there are no trolls in this movie. Only goblins and a witch. I’m thinking, Nilbog was a more believable name than Llort. And Claudio just *had* to have that plot twist in there.
6. The mother stares at the camera every time she speaks, and talks as if she’s unsure of the language she’s talking.
7. The family doesn’t eat anything for 2 days, because the only thing in the town is green pastries and sour troll milk or something.
8. I would show you a picture of what the goblins look like, but a picture just doesn’t do it justice. You have to see it in action to see what a true piece of shit it is.
9. The witch seduces a young man by putting corn on the cob between their lips and turning it into popcorn. As far as I know, the young man was unscathed at the end of the movie, only covered in popcorn. I’m still wondering why this was even in the movie.
10. I’ve listed 9 already, and could go on for another hundred, but this is a post, not a book.

If you are still interested in this heaping pile, a good site with plenty of pictures is here. It’s true, there are movies that are so bad that they are good. However, this is not one of them. This movie is so bad it transcends the phrase: “Worst piece of shit, garbage to ever be thought, said, pictured, or excreted.” Claudio has no reason to be alive right now. After seeing any cut of this he should have immediately dove under the nearest moving bus. He is solely responsible for this. He directed and wrote this herpes ridden monstrosity.

I will admit, I did laugh. But at the end of the movie as the credits rolled, after the astonishing twist ending, I could feel my sperm and brain cell count lowering. WARNING: You may go sterile and brain damaged watching this movie any more than once. However, I suggest that everyone see it at least once. Just like the Holocaust, we can’t let these kind of things go ignored.

Actual Quotes from the movie.