I’m fresh back from the local Cinemark Theatre, dubbed the “Best Seat in Town,” after seeing the new Disney movie Pirates of Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. I’m going to sum my feelings up into one word…

DISAPPOINTED

That is, disappointed that I didn’t get to see it opening night. Disappointed I have to wait for the next one. Disappointed it was only two and a half hours long.

First, the good…

A was a fan of the first one and was really looking forward to this one. Special effects were great, compliments to Skywalker Studios for a job well done. Johnny Depp brings back exactly what made him so good the first time, with a little extra “pirate” added in for good measure. Kiera Knightly is still fucking gorgeous, and only made me like her character more (even if she is with that pussy Legolas Will Turner). Fight scenes were kicked up a notch, and appreciated. The comedy was a little lacking. And I only say that because a number of the jokes were just playing on ones from the previous movie. They didn’t take anything away from the movie by any means, I just would appreciate it if the jokes were a little fresher. One thing I really enjoyed was the actual story. None of it felt forced at all. It seemed to fit right in line with the previous installment. And now I can’t wait for the next one - only for the next one I will have to dress like a pirate and go to the midnight showing. My inner pirate is dying to rape and pillage something, even if it is a bucket of popcorn.

And now, the bad…
Okay, there wasn’t much wrong with it all really. But me being me, I have two gripes. This may be a possible ***SPOILER but not really. I hate LOATHE Orlando Bloom’s character. Reason: he’s a pussy. Either be a pirate or don’t. I mean, my neutered cat, who is female, has more balls than Will Turner ever will. I just don’t know what Elizabeth (Kiera) doesn’t see in Jack… I mean he’s a pirate. A fucking pirate. You can’t do any better than that. So, first gripe = Will Turner didn’t die. But there will be a third one, so I can wish. Second thing that bothers me is the fact that this is a Disney film. Not because Disney is a family establishment - I like the movies how they are and wouldn’t change them. But Disney has a problem. They aren’t making shit worth watching. Except for the Pixar films and the latest Pirate’s movies, Disney has been in a slump, with a shitty movie after shitty movie. There are the occasional gems: The Greatest Game Ever Played, but you can’t run a company like that on one or two good movies every three years. What worries me is that Disney will see that they have established a name with this latest franchise, and are going to milk it dry. I REALLY hope I’m wrong. But if I’m right on this one, expect Pirate’s of the Caribbean XI: We Are Milking the Shit Out of This in late 2015.

…And really bad eggs…
Drink up me Hardy, YO HO!