I’ve decided to write a living will. No, I’m not dying - yet. But you never know when you might go. And I don’t want to have some idiot fucking up the way my body is handled. So I’m writing a list here of my final wishes.
My Body: I want my body to be to mummified, using the old techniques of the Egyptians, brains scrambled out through my nose and all. If it was good enough for a Pharaoh, it’s good enough for me.
Burial: I want said mummified body to be housed inside a mini pyramid in my back yard. If I go before my parents, I want them to see lovely reminder of me every morning they go to make their morning coffee.
Funeral Proceedings: For my funeral, I want my body present, encased in a large, circular marble sarcophagus with “Let the good times roll” engraved on the top of it. Just seems fitting. Also, I’d like the picture of myself to be handled by whoever makes the pictures for McDonald’s and Burger King food. I will look fucking amazing. Just don’t let the people see what I really look like, because the real thing is always more disappointing when you actually see it.
My Belongings: I want everything I own to be given to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army store. But before it goes, I want every item to be 1) engraved 2) carved 3) magic markered with “Sameer Owned This Before You.”
And last but not least…
My Money: Too bad I don’t have any. But if I do happen to have any cash lying around, I want it to be sent to either A) Bill Cosby or B) Christopher Walken, in the hopes that they will agree to speak at my funeral for me. If possible, I’d like them both to be there, and to high-five each other on the way out of whatever place the funeral is held, just so everyone can see, that things are going to be just fine without me.
And those, are my final wishes.
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